MyCrazyMental

On Tuesday my partner went to the job centre as he does every week except this time, something else was proposed - that he considers starting his own business. Who knows where that will go but he has a meeting in 3 weeks time to discuss it so that is definitely something to look forward to. For my career, I would love to work as a counselor or in another role which helps people. I have a very caring family and I had a very caring Mum. I want to follow through with this and do a similar thing. All of my educational life, I have studied in these sort of areas. I have a Level 2 in Counselling and Understanding Behaviour That Challenges, a Level 3 in Health and Social Care and I then went on to complete my foundation degree in the same subject. I have done work experience/ volunteered and had paid employment within schools/ nurseries and care homes and its been tough but I have loved the feeling it gives me that what I have done has actually helped another human being. I know what it fee...

I need to stop starting my blogs in this way but...writing 2 blogs in one day didn't happen. Surprise surprise. I think I have gotten to the point where I just need to write when I feel I am able rather than trying to commit to certain times as it seems to be getting more and more challenging. So, lets try that. I will start by writing about a few things I got up to last week before moving onto the main bulk; the start of my trauma therapy. For those who do follow these blogs, I actually can now officially say that I have a hobby. I'm sure a lot of people have many hobbies and don't think too much of it but for me to say that I have 1, that makes me very happy. And that hobby is diamond painting. I even got a friend of mine into it so that's even better. I recently finished my first one which I gave to my Dad as a late birthday gift and now I am onto my second and loving it even more. My Stepmum also bought me a new jumper as well as some new bamboo socks. I do love...

So its been another week again. I have been struggling a lot lately so to stay committed to writing every couple days hasn't been possible for me. I hope you understand. There is lots to write about plus yesterday was World Mental Health Day so I will be aiming to do 2 blogs today so you don't need to read it all at once. Although, of course you don't have to read it at all! On Saturday I had planned for me and my partner to head up to a free event just up the road held in an art gallery. We could have taken part in free natural crafts, apple pressing and done lots of autumnal things. However, we were both exhausted. We have finally got a semi-decent sleeping schedule (I'm typing this at 820am) but back then, we really did not. We decided to spend the weekend at home although I did do one thing productive. I applied to be a volunteer for the Royal Voluntary Service. This is a Service which works with libraries to provide books for older people who struggle to get out ...

Hi! Wednesday evening I went on a date with my partner and it was not what I was expecting at all. I'm not sure what I was expecting but it definitely wasn't that! We got the train into the nearest city, went to my favourite dessert restaurant and then went to a poetry/comedy evening. The event was called Spork (something to do with spoken word?) and I'm still slightly speechless about the whole event. It was hosted in a bar where the pints were £4.50. The reason I had planned this particular date is because it was a free event so I thought we could get a drink. I wouldn't have if I'd known the price! It was good cider though. The actual location was very nice. The event organizer had even bought free cake for everyone to eat. It was a celebration of their 1st birthday doing evenings like this and there were even party hats. The main reason I chose this for our date is because of a wonderful man called Samantics. He is a music artist and I have spoken about him on...

I haven't written in almost a week but I've been quite busy and struggling a little. I love doing lots of things but its very difficult for me and its also difficult to do nothing so that's a challenge. I didn't get up to very much over the first few days so I will sum up quickly: Thursday was very quiet as my partner had an appointment and then we relaxed for the rest of the day. On Friday, I went out for breakfast with my partner and his mum and brother. It was really lovely and there was fantastic food. Then, yet another appointment for my partner. Saturday my partners mum cleared out her bedroom and it turns out I had a lot of stuff stored in there from when I first moved here. I have absolutely no recollection of putting anything in there but apparently I must have. It was exhausting but also quite fun going through everything and seeing what I hadn't come across in literally years. I threw away a lot of old clothes which I would love to wear now but unfo...

So I have 4 days to catch you up on. I normally post a little more regularly than this but I've been having a pretty rough time. Aren't I always though? On Sunday I really didn't do much except for making a few plans for the week ahead which I started on Monday. I applied for a job. Ok, that sounds a lot more impressive than it really is. There is a magazine which gets distributed once a month to my local area, I have written a little bit about it before. I love it because it really gives some free/cheap ideas of things to do near me so that I don't have to travel far and it of course helps due to my low amount of benefits. I currently have roughly £20-25 I can spend a week once phone bills etc. have gone out so anything I can get for a bit cheaper makes it a lot easier. Anyway - long story short, they are looking for distributors once a month to deliver this magazine. It wouldn't affect my benefits due it just being a few hours a month but it will give me a littl...

On Thursday I received my letter giving me the time and date for my mental health assessment. I waited 6 weeks to get it so I'm glad it finally came. For anyone who doesn't know, I am currently receiving universal credit benefits. This is due to my mental state affecting my current ability to work. I had to leave my last job because of this and my doctor (and myself) believe that I am unable to be in employment at this time. However, the final decision lies with the health advisory service. I have already sent them a long form outlining everything that I struggle with on a daily basis and they will use that along with what they learn about me during the assessment to make a decision about what amount of money I am entitled to. They may disagree with my doctors decision and say that I must look for work or they may believe that I am actually entitled to get more/ less money than I currently am. My assessment is in 3 weeks so I will let you know the outcome then. Yesterday I go...

So on Monday night, I reached 100 followers on my Pinterest page. Due to only having one on this blog page (my best friend), I didn't honestly have much hope. But I did it. And it feels great. If anyone is interested in following me then the link is here: https://www.pinterest.co.uk/mycrazymental/ I have a mental health board of course as well as some boards of things that just make me happy and hopefully they'll make you happy too. Thanks in advance if you do check it out. I can't quite remember if I have mentioned this before but I would love to start doing videos on my Youtube channel. I watch videos every day and they inspire me and I want to create them. You have to be very sure of yourself and strong minded though because of internet trolls and nasty people online and to be honest, I'm not sure I could handle it. But I'd love to try. If I manage to do this in the future I will be sure to link my Youtube channel here too. But anyway, what have I been up t...

On Saturday I saw The Greatest Showman at an outdoor cinema with my partner and his dad. I was expecting it to be in a fielded area but it was a Mercedes car park. It was amazing though. All the money raised went to a guide dog charity and I think my partner was more interested in looking at all the dogs that were about rather than the film. They were adorable though, I don't blame him. My partners dad thought I came over prepared but I disagree, it was so nice to be wrapped up nice and warm with a potato and leek cup a soup in my flask. I wore two t-shirts, a coat, Russian hat, penguin gloves which are meant for children but still fit my tiny hands and covered myself with a big jumper and even brought a hot water bottle. We had other snacks to eat while we watched and it was so nice to watch a film and actually be out in the fresh air, feeling the breeze on your face. There were a few funny moments too - A few minutes into the film the projector turned off because someone turned a...

So I had a complete mental breakdown Wednesday night. Great way to start this blog, right? I think I was incredibly overwhelmed from the possible PTSD Diagnosis and it scared the crap out of me. I'm not even sure what time it was, maybe 4-5am. I was still awake because I was stressing (yeah, going to sleep at 10 definitely did not happen) and I just broke down. I was angry, upset and my emotions were just flying. This is certainly going to be a challenging thing to process and try to get through but I've had a good few days since. Yesterday my partner had a job interview which went really well. We're all feeling positive. And then a friend came over to play board games and have some drinks. I haven't seen him for a few months as he lives very far away and its incredibly expensive to travel here. But it just makes it more special when he does make it. We both said the same thing last night, it was so good to laugh until we literally cried. We had such a funny time, got...

Hi guys. So today is Wednesday and I'm actually about to go bed at 10pm, result! My sleeping pattern has been all over the place lately but I had to get up for an appointment today after 4 hours of sleep so I'm hoping that I will get up early tomorrow. I am yet again behind on coursework so the plan is to wake up early and get it done. I can dream. So, I have 4 days to catch you up on although I had a much needed lazy day on Sunday so there's not much to say there. On Monday, my cousin was supposed to come over but there were flash floods where she lived due to copious amounts of rain so unfortunately she was not able to make it. I will be going with her for an appointment a fair way away from here next week and I'd like to see her for a chat before hand but I will see. Our gorgeous dog got spayed on Monday and the poor thing is still having a hard time. She keeps trying to lick her wound and if we put a cone on her, she smacks her head and runs into things so that...

This blog is a day late because if I'm honest, I've been having a pretty hard time. Going back to the town I grew up in on Thursday really did a number on me and I've been overthinking a lot. I'm really missing my Mum at the moment and I really wish that she could be here to give me the strength I need to keep improving and get better. I miss her so much every day and last night I had a big old cry because I just couldn't get her out of my head. Its been 14 years since she passed away but if you have been through bereavement yourself, you may understand that its very hard to let go. My Mum brought me into this world and I only had 9 short years with her before she left. Its very hard to accept that I will never see her again or hear her voice but I know she is with my in spirit. On Friday, my partner had an appointment and we then went to his dads for dinner. There is an incredible fish and chip shop where he lives so that's what we had. My bestie also came ov...

Hello, all. Yesterday my partner went with his family into the city to play golf. I had a really tough night sleeping the night before so I decided to give it a miss as I had a busy evening planned. My afternoon plans got rescheduled to today but my friend still came over for our evening picnic. Unfortunately, we had to eat our picnic indoors as the weather was terrible but we still went for a nice, long walk and had a great chat. We've decided that next time we meet, we will have some drinks so that will be fun. Today my partner had his universal credit meeting and I went and met up with my cousin. We went to hers and also to the pub to meet my uncle. I was considering writing a little about my family and I would like to but as it involves others, I thought it would be safer I didn't. All I will say is that I haven't seen my uncle since I was 9 years old so it was crazy to see him again. Being back in the town that I lived with my mum (who is now deceased) and seeing c...

So, hello. I am going to quickly start this blog by talking about two shows that I have watched on Netflix recently called Bodyguard and 13 Reasons Why. The reason I wanted to briefly mention these is because they address real life things that are happening day. They don't shy away from it. Terrorism and Politics are key themes within Bodyguard and for 13 Reasons - Sexual, physical and mental abuse, bullying, neglect, suicide, rape & murder to name just a few. These are definitely not shows for everyone, especially not the latter. But for people like me who want to be even more aware of the real stuff going on in the world around us, I think its good to watch. I really empathized with parts of 13 Reasons and I think many people would. Plus there is a small series for when you have finished the show where the cast and mental health professionals discuss certain scenes in the show and what to do when you are actually in a similar situation. They also have a website which an act...

Yesterday evening was really lovely. Another member of the family made their own quiz and we did mine aswell. We had a roast dinner which always makes me happy and just had a good chat. It really is the highlight of my week going to my partners dads for dinner. I enjoy it very much. Yesterday evening Zoe Sugg put out a Youtube video of a live smear test and did a Q&A with the nurse. I learnt a lot from it and I feel a little (very little) bit more able to head to the doctors now. I thought that if that made me feel more comfortable about smears, maybe if I watched a video of a blood test, that could help too. It was terrifying but I managed and I really think it did help. I really never have had a problem with needles until the local anesthetic. Its extremely frustrating but I am doing everything in my power to get control of my thoughts and help myself in any way I can. My anxiety and phobias don't control my life, I do. Tomorrow is the dreaded doctors appointment. I've ...

I have decided to blog every 2 days as it will give me more content to write about as there are some days where there is very little I am able to do. If you are reading this and prefer a different setup, please do let me know. Yesterday I had a peaceful day. It was well needed after the day before it. I am definitely still not 100% from then and I don't think I will be until I get some closure on my health but I will take each day as it comes. Another magazine arrived in the mail yesterday highlighting even more things to do in the area. I took note of many more things and I'm just hoping to get around to doing them. My anxiety and panic is worse than ever right now therefore I don't know how much I will be able to accomplish, but I will certainly give it a damn good try. I also decided to post on Facebook and promote this blog on Pinterest to try to get some more views. I've said this before but I am not doing this for attention or popularity, I'm doing it becaus...

I am going to skip over yesterday because I just stayed home and didn't do much at all. Happy Birthday for yesterday Dad if you ever read this! I am hoping to see him soon. Today was the hardest day I've had in a few months and I want to share it with you. It probably will be the most difficult blog I have written to date but I am committed to sharing my experiences of my own mental health with you so that's exactly what I'm going to do. This morning I woke up after a nightmare. Unfortunately I do suffer with these on occasion especially when I'm going through a particularly stressful period. I don't often remember what they are about, only who feature in them. The most common nightmare is that two bald men come into my childhood home and kidnap my mother. They drag her out screaming and I never see her again. Sometimes there is an alternate ending where I find her passed away in a very old building which looks like a church but I do not wish to share how she...

Ok so I have a lot to cover from the past 3 days so yet again, its going to be a long one. I think just presume they will be long from now on because they always seem to be. On Saturday I went to my partners uncles wedding and it was absolutely beautiful. I've been to 3 other weddings who were all cousins of mine in the past but never one outside of my family so it was a lovely experience. The bride looked beautiful and the groom was very emotional, it was sweet. They got married in a small church and my partner absolutely loved the hymns. So did I. We had recently had a conversation about what hymns we sung in assemblies at school and I was sad that I couldn't remember many. We ended up singing 3 of them at the wedding and my partner was dancing along. The atmosphere was just wonderful and it really reminded me of when I used to go to church as a child with my mum and nanny. It brought back a lot of happy memories and although I am not christian anymore, I still think that c...

Yesterday was the loveliest day. Me and my partner got dropped off at my dads house and then we went to the most beautiful place in our county (in my opinion). We had a  late lunch, ice cream and walked the dogs in a gorgeous area before driving back across the moors. The walk was definitely my favourite part of the day because I felt like a kid again. Me and my partner played poo sticks, went on a ropeswing, walked across some fallen trees like a little assault course, played IT and I watched him try to cross the river across some rocks...and fail. But he tried. I felt so free and it was glorious. Then on the way home I decided to be a little selfish. Everyone was cold but the truck has tinted windows and I wanted the full experience so I opened the window as far as it would go and stuck my head out like a dog. There were sheep, rabbits, cows and ponies. The scenery was amazing and I loved the cool air in my face. Its like I felt every bit of tension just escape from my body and i...

A slight tiff occurred between my partner and I last night. I think this is due to the many changes that I am trying to make in order to improve my mental health. Its having a large impact on both of us as there's a lot going on and it may have been a terrible routine, but we used to have one. And now everything is changing. We're not so good with that. There is a lot of pressure on the both of us currently. Me to get better, him to get a job and us to have our own place and start 'living life'. Its all we seem to hear from everyone these days but we know we're trying and that's what matters. Due to the tiff, I didn't get to sleep until late which resulted in me taking a sleeping tablet as I was worked up and I got up 9-930am today. That's not late for many people but it is for me and I felt rotten. I am way too hard on myself. There are going to be bumps in the road and this wasn't even a bump, but my brain insists it was and that I'm simply no...

I had a wonderful evening yesterday as a close friend of mine came over and we had another lovely catch up. She's coming over every week or two at the moment and I really appreciate the effort that she's making in getting over here as its always amazing to see her. I'm hoping that when I have a little  more money and my anxiety improves, I can repay her and travel the distance to see her. We always have such brilliant talks and I can't wait until I see her again. We also did a big grocery shop yesterday and the kitchen is full up again with yummy healthy food. I'm still doing exceptionally well (for me) with the eating so I'm proud about that. Today me and my partner started our housing application again. We didn't get very far to be honest as we find things like that incredibly stressful but as long as we get it completed in 10 days, we'll be ok. There's a lot going on this week and lots of things need to be done so hopefully we can get through it...

Ok, so I have not written for a few days because things have been very busy but so good. I feel like I'm living every single day and I don't feel like I've put this much effort into anything my entire life. I am still getting up at 6-630am every day and I've got a little morning routine put together; I get up, go downstairs, do one load of washing, put the dishes away, take the recycling out as well as any bins that need to go, make breakfast and then clean my teeth. All of that is in the bag by 730am and it just feels amazing. I am doing at least one other productive thing throughout the day as well and trying to make plans and see more people. I want a better social life so that's what I'm aiming for. I'm eating small amounts every 3 hours, cleaning my teeth twice a day and drinking a lot of water throughout the day too. There are definitely still things to work on such as showering, I haven't got the hang of that yet but I'm really progressing and...

Today I went shopping with my partner and his dad again. We've spent time with him 3 days in a row which has been really fun and I've really enjoyed myself. We went to a bigger town this time and did charity shops again and got mcdonalds. I got up at 6am again and had another productive morning doing lots of housework. Although it is now 6pm and I feel ready for bed already, I am knackered. There's not much more to report on for today really other than having a lovely phone call with my dad. I'm not comfortable talking about it here because he is a very private person but I will say that I love him very, very much and I'm hoping to get over to his next week so that I can see him. It is also his birthday soon which I have something planned for so that will be good, I know he's looking forward to it. I got a letter today from ESA saying that they urgently needed my questionnaire as they had not received it. This made me rather anxious as I had to call and te...

Today has been extremely productive. I got up at 6am wide awake after a full nights sleep and it felt amazing. I went straight downstairs and made myself and my partner breakfast, put the dishes away and did a load of washing. Then I relaxed on the laptop for a little bit before having a shower and getting ready to go to CBT. My therapist thinks I'm making more progress on the anxiety side of things because I'm really pushing myself to go out more in public. We are really focusing on my sleep at the moment and trying to keep to a schedule and I have a plan. I have earplugs and an eye mask anyway but I struggle when my partner is staying up playing games so we've had a discussion and found a middle ground. I plan to try and go to bed 10-11pm most nights and get up 6-7am in the morning. So, when I am getting into bed, my partner will come off discord so he's not actually speaking outloud but stay on the computer most nights, going downstairs a few nights a week. We will s...

So today has been another good day. I have now made myself a shelf in the fridge and freezer for my own food on advise from my doctor and compared to normal, I have eaten incredibly well today. I am trying out what my therapist said in eating something small every 3 hours rather than waiting until I'm really hungry and then eating a ton. I am also going to try and have some form of fruit or vegetable with every meal and its going well so far. This morning I even meal prepped. I made a berry compote for the first time by throwing strawberries, blueberries and raspberry and cranberry juice into a saucepan, boiling it up and mashing it together. It is now cool and in the fridge and I plan to eat it later with some vanilla natural yoghurt and fresh berries. I had scrambled egg on toast and some grapes for breakfast, an apple for a snack, a chicken sausage sandwich and baked beans for lunch, 1 packet of crisps for a snack and I've just had dinner - Chicken Pops and a milky way for...

So, I made it to the Doctors. It was difficult because I'm going to be blunt - I got diarrhea. I haven't experienced it in a little while due to my anxiety not being so bad but being in a GP Practice is a whole other story. During the appointment, the Doctor made the decision that she was going to double my dose of Sertraline. Apparently smaller quantities can help anxiety but for some people, it takes more to notice a difference with the depression. I was also prescribed some sleeping tablets to try and regulate my sleeping pattern a little more. As I've said in a previous blog, my therapist wants to go right back to basics with me and basically re-teach me how to do simple tasks like eating, drinking, washing etc. It sounds easy but it is not. And its even harder when I am sleeping the way I am right now so hopefully, in taking another step backwards, I'll get there in the end. I also mentioned the IBS Symptoms and asked if I could get any extra help with regards to m...

So in trying to sort out my sleeping pattern, I am completely losing track of what day and time it is. We managed to stay up all night and go to bed at 9am this morning and we got up at 6pm. Now, we will try to stay up all night again into tomorrow afternoon. My Doctors appointment is at 9am but I will still be awake and won't have to get up. Its very complicated. I feel worse after a good nights sleep than I do a shorter night. About 7 hours is good for me, any more than that and I start feeling dodgy. I'm nervous about tomorrows appointment. I am definitely slowly improving my anxiety and I think thats down to the Sertraline and really pushing myself, but I still have a phobia of Doctors and I think I will for a long time. The reason for tomorrows appointment is to review the Sertraline again, talk about side effects, whether I think its working and possibly adjust the dose/change the medication if its not. I also want to talk to her about the IBS Symptoms that my therapist...