MyCrazyMental

I have decided to blog every 2 days as it will give me more content to write about as there are some days where there is very little I am able to do. If you are reading this and prefer a different setup, please do let me know. Yesterday I had a peaceful day. It was well needed after the day before it. I am definitely still not 100% from then and I don't think I will be until I get some closure on my health but I will take each day as it comes. Another magazine arrived in the mail yesterday highlighting even more things to do in the area. I took note of many more things and I'm just hoping to get around to doing them. My anxiety and panic is worse than ever right now therefore I don't know how much I will be able to accomplish, but I will certainly give it a damn good try. I also decided to post on Facebook and promote this blog on Pinterest to try to get some more views. I've said this before but I am not doing this for attention or popularity, I'm doing it becaus...

I am going to skip over yesterday because I just stayed home and didn't do much at all. Happy Birthday for yesterday Dad if you ever read this! I am hoping to see him soon. Today was the hardest day I've had in a few months and I want to share it with you. It probably will be the most difficult blog I have written to date but I am committed to sharing my experiences of my own mental health with you so that's exactly what I'm going to do. This morning I woke up after a nightmare. Unfortunately I do suffer with these on occasion especially when I'm going through a particularly stressful period. I don't often remember what they are about, only who feature in them. The most common nightmare is that two bald men come into my childhood home and kidnap my mother. They drag her out screaming and I never see her again. Sometimes there is an alternate ending where I find her passed away in a very old building which looks like a church but I do not wish to share how she...

Ok so I have a lot to cover from the past 3 days so yet again, its going to be a long one. I think just presume they will be long from now on because they always seem to be. On Saturday I went to my partners uncles wedding and it was absolutely beautiful. I've been to 3 other weddings who were all cousins of mine in the past but never one outside of my family so it was a lovely experience. The bride looked beautiful and the groom was very emotional, it was sweet. They got married in a small church and my partner absolutely loved the hymns. So did I. We had recently had a conversation about what hymns we sung in assemblies at school and I was sad that I couldn't remember many. We ended up singing 3 of them at the wedding and my partner was dancing along. The atmosphere was just wonderful and it really reminded me of when I used to go to church as a child with my mum and nanny. It brought back a lot of happy memories and although I am not christian anymore, I still think that c...

Yesterday was the loveliest day. Me and my partner got dropped off at my dads house and then we went to the most beautiful place in our county (in my opinion). We had a  late lunch, ice cream and walked the dogs in a gorgeous area before driving back across the moors. The walk was definitely my favourite part of the day because I felt like a kid again. Me and my partner played poo sticks, went on a ropeswing, walked across some fallen trees like a little assault course, played IT and I watched him try to cross the river across some rocks...and fail. But he tried. I felt so free and it was glorious. Then on the way home I decided to be a little selfish. Everyone was cold but the truck has tinted windows and I wanted the full experience so I opened the window as far as it would go and stuck my head out like a dog. There were sheep, rabbits, cows and ponies. The scenery was amazing and I loved the cool air in my face. Its like I felt every bit of tension just escape from my body and i...

A slight tiff occurred between my partner and I last night. I think this is due to the many changes that I am trying to make in order to improve my mental health. Its having a large impact on both of us as there's a lot going on and it may have been a terrible routine, but we used to have one. And now everything is changing. We're not so good with that. There is a lot of pressure on the both of us currently. Me to get better, him to get a job and us to have our own place and start 'living life'. Its all we seem to hear from everyone these days but we know we're trying and that's what matters. Due to the tiff, I didn't get to sleep until late which resulted in me taking a sleeping tablet as I was worked up and I got up 9-930am today. That's not late for many people but it is for me and I felt rotten. I am way too hard on myself. There are going to be bumps in the road and this wasn't even a bump, but my brain insists it was and that I'm simply no...

I had a wonderful evening yesterday as a close friend of mine came over and we had another lovely catch up. She's coming over every week or two at the moment and I really appreciate the effort that she's making in getting over here as its always amazing to see her. I'm hoping that when I have a little  more money and my anxiety improves, I can repay her and travel the distance to see her. We always have such brilliant talks and I can't wait until I see her again. We also did a big grocery shop yesterday and the kitchen is full up again with yummy healthy food. I'm still doing exceptionally well (for me) with the eating so I'm proud about that. Today me and my partner started our housing application again. We didn't get very far to be honest as we find things like that incredibly stressful but as long as we get it completed in 10 days, we'll be ok. There's a lot going on this week and lots of things need to be done so hopefully we can get through it...

Ok, so I have not written for a few days because things have been very busy but so good. I feel like I'm living every single day and I don't feel like I've put this much effort into anything my entire life. I am still getting up at 6-630am every day and I've got a little morning routine put together; I get up, go downstairs, do one load of washing, put the dishes away, take the recycling out as well as any bins that need to go, make breakfast and then clean my teeth. All of that is in the bag by 730am and it just feels amazing. I am doing at least one other productive thing throughout the day as well and trying to make plans and see more people. I want a better social life so that's what I'm aiming for. I'm eating small amounts every 3 hours, cleaning my teeth twice a day and drinking a lot of water throughout the day too. There are definitely still things to work on such as showering, I haven't got the hang of that yet but I'm really progressing and...

Today I went shopping with my partner and his dad again. We've spent time with him 3 days in a row which has been really fun and I've really enjoyed myself. We went to a bigger town this time and did charity shops again and got mcdonalds. I got up at 6am again and had another productive morning doing lots of housework. Although it is now 6pm and I feel ready for bed already, I am knackered. There's not much more to report on for today really other than having a lovely phone call with my dad. I'm not comfortable talking about it here because he is a very private person but I will say that I love him very, very much and I'm hoping to get over to his next week so that I can see him. It is also his birthday soon which I have something planned for so that will be good, I know he's looking forward to it. I got a letter today from ESA saying that they urgently needed my questionnaire as they had not received it. This made me rather anxious as I had to call and te...

Today has been extremely productive. I got up at 6am wide awake after a full nights sleep and it felt amazing. I went straight downstairs and made myself and my partner breakfast, put the dishes away and did a load of washing. Then I relaxed on the laptop for a little bit before having a shower and getting ready to go to CBT. My therapist thinks I'm making more progress on the anxiety side of things because I'm really pushing myself to go out more in public. We are really focusing on my sleep at the moment and trying to keep to a schedule and I have a plan. I have earplugs and an eye mask anyway but I struggle when my partner is staying up playing games so we've had a discussion and found a middle ground. I plan to try and go to bed 10-11pm most nights and get up 6-7am in the morning. So, when I am getting into bed, my partner will come off discord so he's not actually speaking outloud but stay on the computer most nights, going downstairs a few nights a week. We will s...

So today has been another good day. I have now made myself a shelf in the fridge and freezer for my own food on advise from my doctor and compared to normal, I have eaten incredibly well today. I am trying out what my therapist said in eating something small every 3 hours rather than waiting until I'm really hungry and then eating a ton. I am also going to try and have some form of fruit or vegetable with every meal and its going well so far. This morning I even meal prepped. I made a berry compote for the first time by throwing strawberries, blueberries and raspberry and cranberry juice into a saucepan, boiling it up and mashing it together. It is now cool and in the fridge and I plan to eat it later with some vanilla natural yoghurt and fresh berries. I had scrambled egg on toast and some grapes for breakfast, an apple for a snack, a chicken sausage sandwich and baked beans for lunch, 1 packet of crisps for a snack and I've just had dinner - Chicken Pops and a milky way for...

So, I made it to the Doctors. It was difficult because I'm going to be blunt - I got diarrhea. I haven't experienced it in a little while due to my anxiety not being so bad but being in a GP Practice is a whole other story. During the appointment, the Doctor made the decision that she was going to double my dose of Sertraline. Apparently smaller quantities can help anxiety but for some people, it takes more to notice a difference with the depression. I was also prescribed some sleeping tablets to try and regulate my sleeping pattern a little more. As I've said in a previous blog, my therapist wants to go right back to basics with me and basically re-teach me how to do simple tasks like eating, drinking, washing etc. It sounds easy but it is not. And its even harder when I am sleeping the way I am right now so hopefully, in taking another step backwards, I'll get there in the end. I also mentioned the IBS Symptoms and asked if I could get any extra help with regards to m...

So in trying to sort out my sleeping pattern, I am completely losing track of what day and time it is. We managed to stay up all night and go to bed at 9am this morning and we got up at 6pm. Now, we will try to stay up all night again into tomorrow afternoon. My Doctors appointment is at 9am but I will still be awake and won't have to get up. Its very complicated. I feel worse after a good nights sleep than I do a shorter night. About 7 hours is good for me, any more than that and I start feeling dodgy. I'm nervous about tomorrows appointment. I am definitely slowly improving my anxiety and I think thats down to the Sertraline and really pushing myself, but I still have a phobia of Doctors and I think I will for a long time. The reason for tomorrows appointment is to review the Sertraline again, talk about side effects, whether I think its working and possibly adjust the dose/change the medication if its not. I also want to talk to her about the IBS Symptoms that my therapist...

So I haven't written for a few days so apologies to anyone who reads these as I normally do every day. I've been having a bit of a shitty time. My depression is pretty bad at the moment, I'm very low. I saw on Pinterest last year about a memory box that someone made. They wrote a positive memory every week for the entire year, put them all in a jar and read through what a great year they had on New Years Eve. I did a similar thing. But I was so low a few days ago that I just chucked it in the bin. My partner had to fish it out for me the next day. Yesterday was fairly productive which has made me feel a little better but not much. My partner had his appointment at the job centre. He also had a phonecall with a recruiter about a job that he already has a call scheduled for with them next week but that's ok, we're making progress. He also returned a package, collected my Sertraline and we sent off my ESA letter. I may not have done any of that but it makes me feel b...

I am all over the place at the moment. I didn't write again last night because I got progressively worse as the night went on. I burst out crying and I'm not overly sure why. I think I had just had enough of the day. It was a really rough one yesterday but I was determined to enjoy today. Today I went to the Folk Festival with my partner, we stayed there for a few hours and it was fun. I think. I don't think he really wanted to be there and I was still feeling a bit poo from the night before but I'm glad we went. It was better than sitting home all day. For anyone who doesn't know, its basically held in a little seaside town and there are stalls on the seafront, morris dancers/ street entertainers/ folk singers everywhere on the streets busking and performing, there are loads of places to eat, drink, shop and just have a lovely time. The atmosphere is always fantastic. However, the main reason I go is because there is a wonderful lady called Helen Gilbert selling ...

So, the good patch has ended. I am writing this a lot earlier than I usually do but that's because I feel like shit and I'm hoping that writing about it will help me. Its currently 6pm and I got up roughly 2-3 hours ago. My doctors appointment on Monday is at 9am so me and my partner are going to try and sort out our sleeping pattern for then. I hope it works because this is making me miserable. I'm depressed. Today is the day that I feel like I'm at square 1 again. I just don't want to do anything, I have zero motivation. We also have not gone to town because we woke up too late which means that I'm out of Sertraline for tomorrow. Our room is a complete mess. The kitchen is a mess even though I clean/tidy it every day before I go to bed. Its so frustrating and I just feel like its going to be one of those days. Tomorrow for certain we are going to the folk festival. I should be looking forward to this like I have been for days but I'm just not. I'...

So this evening I managed to do a little something as a late birthday gift for my best friend. She is the most caring, selfless person I know and all she wanted for her birthday was donations to a just giving page. This page is to raise money for girls in Kenya who do not have period supplies. Menstrual cups last a lot longer than tampons and sanitary pads and so some wonderful people are aiming to raise £3000 for this cause. Its an amazing thing. I could only donate a small amount as I have little money but my best friend didn't want presents, she wanted people to donate. (I also plan to get her something too but shh don't tell her that). Unfortunately a lot of my plans have fallen through this week which I am disappointed about but I am going to make the most of the plans I still do have. Tomorrow I am going to pop up to town with my partner to run some errands. I need to pick up my Sertraline from the Pharmacy, send back a package & send off my ESA Questionnaire. We ha...

Before I get onto today, last night I had a can of cider. A singular can. I was very tipsy. But I think that as long as I have no more than 2-3 cans at the wedding in a few weeks, I should be ok. I was having a lovely time dancing to music on my own. I'm still so lucky to have no side effects so there were no symptoms to worsen. I'm lucky on that front. Today we didn't go out for lunch, we went out for a very late dinner. We had an all day brunch and then I had fresh fruit (blueberries, strawberries and apple) and ice cream for dessert. I feel great now that I'm going out more with my partner, its having a good effect on our relationship as well because it means that we're not just stuck in the bedroom together. My Student Finance has also been updated online so that's one less thing to worry about. Just the ESA forms to send off now. Tomorrow I had plans to go to the folk festival with my best friend but neither of us have contacted each other and its now...

Oh my goodness. What an epic evening. Anywhere where there is food, drink, folk music and a happy atmosphere - I cannot get enough of. And that's what tonight was for me and my partner. The main reason we went tonight was to see Samantics. He was incredible as always AND I got to meet him, talk to him, got a hug and even a photo. I have seen him many, many times live now and I have never had the confidence to talk to him. Anxiety has always gotten in the way. But I plucked up the courage today and it felt so good. We talked about the fact I had just started Sertraline and he said to stick with it. The majority of his songs are about mental health and how its affected him in his life. So, I thought it would be ok to bring up. He approached me actually because he noticed that I was wearing his t-shirt from crowdfunder. He was the first crowdfunder I have ever backed and I was glad I did. I bought his shirt, new album, a travel cup, lyric book and bottle opener. Anyway, what a truly a...

This evening has been lovely. We went to my partners dads for dinner, sat outside, did a quiz and played a game. It was great. I adore my own Dad so very much. He will always be (as well as my partner) the most important man in my life. But my partners dad is like another father to me. He's incredible. He really wants to spend some time with us this Summer so we started planning tonight. There's a great place for walking nearby which we want to explore and maybe go to a castle at some point. We're trying to think of other things. I really don't mind what we do though because its just nice to spend time with him. It is official, me and my partner are definitely going to the little festival tomorrow evening. His dad is taking us and I am very excited. We're going to chill out, have something nice to eat and listen to some music. There is a local guy singing there who is amazing. He sings about mental health and how it affects him, a bit like how I write about it her...

I don't know the exact cause of death for my Mum but it was linked to alcohol. She was an alcoholic and I didn't know. It was of course the worst time of my life, I was only 9 years old. From that day I vouched to never touch a drop but that changed when I got into my teenage years. With peer pressure, school stresses and everything else life was throwing at me, a drunken night in a field by the bonfire or a cheeky house party was just the ticket. I barely drink at all now. If I'm honest, the main reason is because I only socially drink and I don't often socialise. I am trying to change that though. I have been chatting to my cousin tonight. She is the only person on my Mums side of the family I still have contact with although we haven't spoken in a year. She's very busy and has a lot going on, as do I. Its easy to lose touch. But I'm hoping to see her soon. She wants to have a few ciders and I would love that. I adore a good thatchers haze. However, now ...