This Was Hard To Write
I am going to skip over yesterday because I just stayed home and didn't do much at all. Happy Birthday for yesterday Dad if you ever read this! I am hoping to see him soon.
Today was the hardest day I've had in a few months and I want to share it with you. It probably will be the most difficult blog I have written to date but I am committed to sharing my experiences of my own mental health with you so that's exactly what I'm going to do.
This morning I woke up after a nightmare. Unfortunately I do suffer with these on occasion especially when I'm going through a particularly stressful period. I don't often remember what they are about, only who feature in them. The most common nightmare is that two bald men come into my childhood home and kidnap my mother. They drag her out screaming and I never see her again. Sometimes there is an alternate ending where I find her passed away in a very old building which looks like a church but I do not wish to share how she passes in this dream because, its graphic and there are a few things I'm just not comfortable sharing. But, its bad. This is the only dream I ever remember.
I am always left feeling a certain way after this happens when I wake up. Sometimes I'll be scared of the dark, sometimes I don't want anyone to touch or come near me at all, sometimes I just feel terrified. Today I was scared.
Maybe an hour had passed and I was feeling a little better. There was a little bit of family drama yesterday evening which I won't go into as it is not about me but I tried to make someone feel a little better about it this morning, despite feeling dodgy still. And then...I don't know what happened.
My partner had gone for a shower. I was sat on the bed and I just started shaking. I got chest pains, started sweating, rocking and then my breathing started getting out of control. I managed to contain it but then I went outside and I just broke down. I had a panic attack. I don't often get them. Maybe once every few months. But, that's still too much. I felt claustrophobic and therefore couldn't shower. My mouth started quivering even though I wasn't cold. My tummy was very uncomfortable and then I got dizzy because of my breathing. I ended up getting a lift to CBT because I could barely speak let alone walk and I managed to get there. My partner came in with me for this session because he's like a security blanket. When I'm particularly anxious or panicky, he'll be there.
The plan for this session was to talk about how my diary went, how not to be hard on myself and see if we could add anything else into my daily schedule. But that went out the window. I cried a whole lot in the session because I knew that it was time to deal with the thing I fear the absolute most, doctors. I have been putting off tests for a number of months now. I have a family history of type 1 diabetes (plus cysts are a symptom of this which I went to hospital for last month) and its recently come to light that my mum also had it which I was not aware of. There is also a history of kidney disease which my doctor also wants to test me for as she thinks (its hard to get an accurate reading in a surgery as I'm petrified) that I have high blood pressure and I do urinate a lot which are early signs. I also get ill very easily, always have headaches and just feel generally unwell most of the time. I lack energy always no matter how much I sleep or what I do during the day and I'm pretty sure that there is something underlying which needs to be addressed and figured out.
The reason I struggled so much with this particular session is because I had to get all of the reasons why I have this phobia out in the open so that I can start the process for getting a handle on it. My mum was in hospital for a number of weeks before she passed away. I saw her a few times that I remember and each time she looked worse and worse. All I can picture in my head is her in a hospital gown, lying in bed with canulas and lines attached to her. She always had a bottle of lucozade next to her as the doctors said it would help with her energy levels and she was so pale. Her hair was straggly and I could tell she was in pain. She barely had the energy to speak. Now every time I see a hospital bed, experience the smell of the doctors surgery, have any kind of tests done on myself, I freak out as I see her again.
We went through a problem solving chart to identify the main issue, what I want to get out of it, possible solutions, the solution we chose and then you write in the outcome once we have followed it through. It was really hard. The first thing that I am going to try and do is talk further with my doctor at my appointment on Monday about possible tests and what needs to be done to figure out what is wrong. If blood tests are needed which they likely will be, I will ask if I am able to have one with her instead of a nurse as she more understands my situation. I am still traumatized from the local anesthetic that I had in hospital as it was in an area with many nerve endings and was extremely painful. I am experiencing triggers due to this which I can talk through with her and see if anything can be done to help ease the process such as not saying 'you'll feel a sharp scratch' and pulling the curtain around the bed so that I hope not to get a flash of my mum there. I am terrified of the future but my therapist has told me to try my best to just focus on step 1 which is just talking. In 2 weeks time I will go back to my therapist and we will figure out a step 2. I am trying so hard right now and hopefully as I always say, I will get there in the end.
I want to finish this blog by quickly talking about my partner. He is absolutely everything to me and I don't know where I would be without him. He is there for me every step of the way and will drop whatever he is doing instantly to support me. On the way home today, we poked around some charity shops and he bought me some little bits to play at our next dinner night at his dads such as charades, bingo and a 90s quiz. He also bought me lunch, kept refilling my water and made me dinner tonight so that I could nap and rest in bed today after a difficult start. I would not be where I am today without him and he's my absolute savior.
I did have a few plans today as I need to get some things done but my health and wellbeing takes priority and I needed to relax so I will get to them when I am able. Maybe I'll get some done tomorrow. This has definitely been a challenging day to say the least and a hard blog to write but as I've said before, if writing about my experiences day to day helps just 1 person or on better days, makes someone smile - It is 100% worth it.
Today was the hardest day I've had in a few months and I want to share it with you. It probably will be the most difficult blog I have written to date but I am committed to sharing my experiences of my own mental health with you so that's exactly what I'm going to do.
This morning I woke up after a nightmare. Unfortunately I do suffer with these on occasion especially when I'm going through a particularly stressful period. I don't often remember what they are about, only who feature in them. The most common nightmare is that two bald men come into my childhood home and kidnap my mother. They drag her out screaming and I never see her again. Sometimes there is an alternate ending where I find her passed away in a very old building which looks like a church but I do not wish to share how she passes in this dream because, its graphic and there are a few things I'm just not comfortable sharing. But, its bad. This is the only dream I ever remember.
I am always left feeling a certain way after this happens when I wake up. Sometimes I'll be scared of the dark, sometimes I don't want anyone to touch or come near me at all, sometimes I just feel terrified. Today I was scared.
Maybe an hour had passed and I was feeling a little better. There was a little bit of family drama yesterday evening which I won't go into as it is not about me but I tried to make someone feel a little better about it this morning, despite feeling dodgy still. And then...I don't know what happened.
My partner had gone for a shower. I was sat on the bed and I just started shaking. I got chest pains, started sweating, rocking and then my breathing started getting out of control. I managed to contain it but then I went outside and I just broke down. I had a panic attack. I don't often get them. Maybe once every few months. But, that's still too much. I felt claustrophobic and therefore couldn't shower. My mouth started quivering even though I wasn't cold. My tummy was very uncomfortable and then I got dizzy because of my breathing. I ended up getting a lift to CBT because I could barely speak let alone walk and I managed to get there. My partner came in with me for this session because he's like a security blanket. When I'm particularly anxious or panicky, he'll be there.
The plan for this session was to talk about how my diary went, how not to be hard on myself and see if we could add anything else into my daily schedule. But that went out the window. I cried a whole lot in the session because I knew that it was time to deal with the thing I fear the absolute most, doctors. I have been putting off tests for a number of months now. I have a family history of type 1 diabetes (plus cysts are a symptom of this which I went to hospital for last month) and its recently come to light that my mum also had it which I was not aware of. There is also a history of kidney disease which my doctor also wants to test me for as she thinks (its hard to get an accurate reading in a surgery as I'm petrified) that I have high blood pressure and I do urinate a lot which are early signs. I also get ill very easily, always have headaches and just feel generally unwell most of the time. I lack energy always no matter how much I sleep or what I do during the day and I'm pretty sure that there is something underlying which needs to be addressed and figured out.
The reason I struggled so much with this particular session is because I had to get all of the reasons why I have this phobia out in the open so that I can start the process for getting a handle on it. My mum was in hospital for a number of weeks before she passed away. I saw her a few times that I remember and each time she looked worse and worse. All I can picture in my head is her in a hospital gown, lying in bed with canulas and lines attached to her. She always had a bottle of lucozade next to her as the doctors said it would help with her energy levels and she was so pale. Her hair was straggly and I could tell she was in pain. She barely had the energy to speak. Now every time I see a hospital bed, experience the smell of the doctors surgery, have any kind of tests done on myself, I freak out as I see her again.
We went through a problem solving chart to identify the main issue, what I want to get out of it, possible solutions, the solution we chose and then you write in the outcome once we have followed it through. It was really hard. The first thing that I am going to try and do is talk further with my doctor at my appointment on Monday about possible tests and what needs to be done to figure out what is wrong. If blood tests are needed which they likely will be, I will ask if I am able to have one with her instead of a nurse as she more understands my situation. I am still traumatized from the local anesthetic that I had in hospital as it was in an area with many nerve endings and was extremely painful. I am experiencing triggers due to this which I can talk through with her and see if anything can be done to help ease the process such as not saying 'you'll feel a sharp scratch' and pulling the curtain around the bed so that I hope not to get a flash of my mum there. I am terrified of the future but my therapist has told me to try my best to just focus on step 1 which is just talking. In 2 weeks time I will go back to my therapist and we will figure out a step 2. I am trying so hard right now and hopefully as I always say, I will get there in the end.
I want to finish this blog by quickly talking about my partner. He is absolutely everything to me and I don't know where I would be without him. He is there for me every step of the way and will drop whatever he is doing instantly to support me. On the way home today, we poked around some charity shops and he bought me some little bits to play at our next dinner night at his dads such as charades, bingo and a 90s quiz. He also bought me lunch, kept refilling my water and made me dinner tonight so that I could nap and rest in bed today after a difficult start. I would not be where I am today without him and he's my absolute savior.
I did have a few plans today as I need to get some things done but my health and wellbeing takes priority and I needed to relax so I will get to them when I am able. Maybe I'll get some done tomorrow. This has definitely been a challenging day to say the least and a hard blog to write but as I've said before, if writing about my experiences day to day helps just 1 person or on better days, makes someone smile - It is 100% worth it.
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