MyCrazyMental

Today has been an embarrassing day. As I have said many times, I suffer with many physical symptoms due to my anxiety and one of them is having a dodgy stomach. I am also very unhealthy and after exercise or walking a good distance like today, I sweat. A lot. I had my second session of CBT today and my tummy was very bad. When I arrived, I looked like a sweaty tomato. And its just embarrassing. I used to be very fit and healthy and back then I thought I was fat. What I would do to be like that now. The CBT went well. In my first session with her she gave me a fact sheet about IBS symptoms. She isn't a medical professional but from her experience, I may struggle with this. I will bring it up with the doctor when I next see her. She had a more complicated CBT model for me to look at this week which links in and helps IBS symptoms. However, she changed her mind. When we reviewed the models I did from home over the past week, she said we have to really go back to basics. My written g...

So, I didn't write yesterday. I was hoping yesterday would be a better day but unfortunately it was not. I started walking into town to mail off my coursework and then I realized I had left the address at home. When I got back to the house, I went to the bathroom and that's where I stayed. My partner had to come back to the house to find me and he ended up mailing it off because I wasn't in a position to. It is so very frustrating when there are situations like this. I just want to be able to do simple every day things but a lot of the time, I simply can't. Thank goodness I have my boyfriend in my life else nothing would ever get done. He also did his very first blood donation yesterday. He waited for an hour and then they (possibly) got an artery as it was causing him pain and it is not supposed to so after 30 seconds, they stopped and sent him on his way. I'm so proud of him for trying though and they got some blood from him. I decided to tackle the bedroom la...

Today was bad. I was very depressed. There was no particular reason behind it, I just was. Today was also the last day I had to complete my first assessment and there was a lot still to do. I'm very proud of myself because I got it done but it took a lot of work. My partner really put up with a lot from me today. He told me he would walk to spar and get me some ice cream if I finished it by 10pm. It was the motivation I needed and I felt like a child, but it worked and now its done. I haven't walked into town for a few days and I need to tomorrow to mail it off. I've noticed that if I get into the routine of something, I'm anxious but I can cope. When I stray from it, I start to struggle. But I'm learning  and everyone has bad days. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I haven't managed to do anymore tidying of the bedroom today but its only 1am, I'll be up for hours yet. Maybe I will later. I really want to get it sorted out but I'm exhausted. I get mor...

Me and my boyfriend had the most gorgeous kitten. He wasn't a kitten at all, he was 4 years old but he will always be a kitten to us. He was our first pet together and such a bundle of fun. I don't want to name him on here as I would like to keep some things private but if anyone reads this who knows us, you'll know. He had very recently started getting friendly. He wasn't a bad cat, he was just very playful and bought us lots of presents (birds and mice) and would rather play than have a cuddle. But like I said, that was changing. I think as he was growing up, he did want to be around us more and he started cuddling up to us. It was beautiful. He was beautiful. On my partners birthday of all days, we found out that he was very poorly and he had to be put down that night. It was 100% our worst day of the year and the first bereavement my partner ever had to go through. He was like our baby and he was so young. It was devastating. I guess the main reason I wanted to ...

So I was supposed to attend a further evidence meeting at the job centre today but I woke up extremely dehydrated which then made me very anxious and I couldn't go. There is a heatwave at the moment and it is extremely hot. Due to me being overweight and unhealthy already, I cannot function at all in the heat. I recently bought a very small desk fan to keep me a little cooler during the day and its the best investment I've ever made. I've been very dizzy and lightheaded today. I had to go to hospital as a child for dehydration and since then it hasn't really improved, I just forget to drink. I am about to get a drinking app on my phone though to remind me so hopefully that will help. I already get physical symptoms from my mental health, I don't want that as well! Anyway, my boyfriend went instead as it was a joint claim in hope that they would accept it from him and they did. It was confirmed that we would be paid our first amount next week and we are happy with ...

Today I attended my commitments meeting for Universal Credit. It went well. I do have to go to another appointment tomorrow though in order to provide some more evidence about the Level 2 course that I am currently doing. This is to make sure we are entitled to the credit. It is a free course though so it should be fine. We are supposed to find out today what we will be paid next week but it is almost 10pm and it has not been uploaded to the site yet. I will keep checking. Also today as it was almost 30 degrees I made the decision to go up to the supermarket and buy some ice cream. This may not sound like a big deal but I went alone. I got a lift to town, got money out at a cashpoint, bought some bits and walked home by myself. And the even better news is that I did it without being too anxious at all. I was but it wasn't extreme like usual. I was also fine going to the appointment this morning. I think that having to attend all of these appointments has been amazing for me becau...

Today I had my very first Level 3 CBT session after 3 hours sleep. I am more optimistic than the last time I tried due to not feeling forced into it. It is my decision this time. It is also a much higher level so hopefully that will make the difference. It went ok. I've been given some things to work on for next week. I've been shown a basic CBT model where you take a situation and then think about your behavior, emotions, thoughts and physical symptoms and try to find links and find ways to change your thoughts and behavior in order to change the rest. We went through an example today where the situation was me going to the doctors appointment 2 days before. I now have 3-4 more to complete over the next week before I see her again. I've been told to get a folder as its a lot of paperwork. I also recieved a very long questionnaire in the post today which I need to fill out in order to give more details about my mental health to get universal credit. I filled out most of i...

2 things made my day today: My niece & a thunder storm. I stayed home all day today and just had a very samey day, I did nothing out of the ordinary. But then my Dad called and my little niece was on the line. I love her so very much and I only get to see her a couple of times a year so she's so much more grown up every time. But it was our first proper phone call where we talked about her plans for the Summer holidays among other things. It really did make me happy hearing her voice. I'm hoping to start my driving lessons again once I have some benefits sorted out and then I'll be able to drive over to see her and my family rather than relying on anyone to take me. I feel like I'm missing out on her and my nephews life. Another highlight tonight was the thunder storm. I was in absolute awe at how beautiful the sky was. It was completely lit up and it was so unbelievably gorgeous. Sometimes I despise this world and then on occasion something amazing like that wi...

I did it! I went to my Doctors Appointment and walked all the way up through town at 9am after 4 hours of sleep and I did it. I am very proud. I've been seeing the same Doctor every time because I feel comfortable with her now and I won't see anybody else. It was to review the Sertraline that I'm taking but apparently it hasn't been long enough so I'm back there again in 3 weeks. I still haven't experienced any side effects which completely astonishes me. Did I mention I did it? The reason I have a phobia of Doctors is because my Mum passed away when I was 9 years old. She was in hospital for a number of weeks before she passed and she looked worse and worse everytime I went to see her. So now I'm terrified. I just associate it in my mind with my Mother and its petrifying. Its not anything in particular like needles. Its all of it. The smell, the look of it, the tests, everything. No game night tonight in the end as the friend cancelled. I was looking ...

I'm going to keep it short tonight because I am shattered. I have a very full day ahead of me tomorrow. An exciting end but I'm dreading the beginning. I have a phobia of doctors/hospitals etc. and I have a doctors appointment. I will then be stopping in town on the way back for my boyfriend to get a haircut and return a package, he then has a job interview and then we're off to my friends house again for another game night. It will absolutely knacker me, I know that for sure. So tonight I am going to take it easy and head to bed early. Fingers crossed it will all go ok. I went to my Dad and Stepmums BBQ tonight and saw all of the animals too. I moved out of there when I was 18 and of course I miss my family but I miss my pets too. The dogs and the cat. It was great to see them again and we had some lovely food, it really was gorgeous. I took my Dad over some very belated Fathers Day Gifts and played football with my partner in the garden. It was good to see them again as...

I haven't really had the motivation to write today hence why I haven't until now. The main reasons I wanted to write this blog were because it was therapeutic and to try and start a conversation with people. I guess I'm lonely. Mental health conditions can be lonely. Roughly 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem each year yet you can still feel entirely alone. I know that many people go through similar things to me and I also have a massive support network and family & friends who care and listen to my rambles regularly, but I just can't seem to shake the feeling. Depression is unkind. The reason for that ramble is because people aren't reading these. No one read yesterdays. I don't expect people to and I completely get why people wouldn't. I'm sure there are many better things to do with your time and there is so much to watch and read on the Internet these days that why would people want to read this? But it does get me down. Plea...

Today I'm gonna write a little bit about having your own space. I think this is crucial to improving mental health because it can be overwhelming for some to be around people a lot of the time. Especially if said person is self conscious & anxious about themselves or the way the look. If the individual has social anxiety and has been speaking to others or just being around a lot of people & cars & noise, having your own space to come back to to recover & recuperate is needed. I personally don't have that space currently. I live with my boyfriend and his family and as much as I love and appreciate the support I receive here, at aged 23 me and my partner need our own space. We have a very small room with the smallest bed. I can only get into half of my wardrobe as the bed is in the way of the other half and there's  no room for me to set up a desk or anything like that, hence why I sit in bed. I would love to decorate and make the space my own, but its so hard...

Today I played board games with a group of friends and it was so much fun.  I am dreading next week with the many appointments that I have to attend but if I do things in between those appointments that are fun & productive, hopefully it won't be as bad. I really believe that board games are an amazing thing. There is a game out there for everyone and there are so many more than the 'classics' such as monopoly, risk & uno. With board games you need all the people at the table. Its a chance to really get to know people face to face and just have a good time. I'm making it my mission to get more people involved because its something that I believe could help mental health issues too. It could give individuals the opportunity to come into contact with people, but there is no pressure to talk about yourself or your life. You can talk about the game. That may then help you feel more comfortable and you may make friends. Its certainly helping me. Last night was g...

I have had the loveliest evening. I recently got into contact with a dear friend who I used to be very close to in school. She has the kindest heart and is always putting others first. I was lucky enough to have her company tonight for a few hours and we had a brilliant talk, talking about all the ups & downs in our lives. She is incredibly understanding about my mental health and wanted to know all about it and how I've been lately. Its made me realize that I need to make a lot more effort with my friends because I really do have some amazing ones. In being there for my mates, it may even help me. These last few days I've felt incredibly grateful for the life that I do have. My life consists of many lows unfortunately but I've had a good week so far and really made the effort to get out there, talk to people & start living my life. I have many appointments next week but for now, I can enjoy all the plans that I have made and I have plans for tomorrow also. Toni...

My goodness, today was wonderful. I was correct, it did start off dodgy as it always does when I have scheduled plans but once I was out of the house, the uncomfortableness (is that a word?) disappeared. I attended my appointment which went really well and then spent a further 3 HOURS in town. I am so proud of myself for being out in public for that long and I didn't actually feel too bad. We went for lunch at a lovely cafe, went to the local museum, found a hidden gem of a beautiful little shop with all handmade items and came back and did some crafts. I wrote in my best friends bullet journal while she made me a gorgeous piece of art which I plan to frame and put up on my wall. If you're reading this (you said you would!) you know who you are and thank you so much. I also want to thank my boyfriend, who probably won't read this. He is my rock on my darkest days and whenever I need a hand, he will never hesitate. He will be there straight away and it makes such a diffe...

So the only mission I set myself for yesterday was to tackle some coursework and did I do it? No, I did not. I wish I could say that I forgot or have some valid excuse but the truth is, I have zero motivation. I really do find it so hard to do the simplest things. I often have to be reminded to clean my teeth, drink water or step outside the backdoor just to get some air. Its hard, its really hard. My deadline for the first assessment is in 2 weeks and I've done an extremely small amount. But I still have time. I can do this. I did accomplish something yesterday though. I exercised. Every other day me and my boyfriend have been doing just a small bit of exercise to get into the habit of it. I've done a little bit of weightlifting (that sounds impressive but you should see me) and 30 squats. My legs are still hurting from yesterday but I think we're going to try it every day instead. I need to get healthier. I have plans for the next 3 days which is pretty exciting. I us...

Not much to report on today. I keep thinking back to yesterday and what a wonderful day it was. The worry & anxiety is always so much worse than the actual event. As cheesy as it sounds, I felt like I was living, not just existing. The majority of my time is spent sat up in bed on the laptop like I am doing right now. I go to bed very late (usually 4-6am) and get up in the afternoon. If I have plans and need to get up, I will usually get about 2 hours sleep and if not, I waste half my day. Its rubbish. I plan to complete some coursework today. I am currently doing a Level 2 online course so that I am doing something productive with my time but if I'm honest, I'm even behind with that. 2 years ago I completed a foundation degree and now, a Level 2 course is becoming difficult. I've gone downhill, but I will keep trying. Every day I am trying to do something productive, even if it just one thing. I will report back tomorrow if I manage to get any coursework done, I ...

Today was a success. It started as it always does when I have a typically anxious day planned, being stuck in the bathroom. Yet another physical symptom I have the pleasure of experiencing. I won't say the exact words but I'm sure you can work it out. It is a truly upsetting & embarrassing way to start the day but once I was in the car and on the way, I seemed to calm down. I especially struggle with meeting new people. I met some people today that I'd only met once before and never really spoken to at all. But they were lovely. We had a great time eating nice food, playing games & just laughing together. We even went and played football and Frisbee in a nearby playing field which I think did me the world of good. I know that I need to exercise more and be more at one with nature, but I don't. Its hard work. I put on a lot of weight once I developed anxiety at the age of 18. I had had depression for a number of years prior to this, but never anxiety. I put...

Its been a tough day. Some physical symptoms I struggle with include shaking, sweating, fast heart beat & I often find myself rocking when I am stressed. I had the delight of experiencing all of these a little earlier today while trying to sort out some online things and during some phone calls. Phone calls are my idea of hell. In this particular call, I had to get the lady to repeat what she was saying 4 or 5 times because I couldn't hear her, while I got increasingly more anxious. I just said yes in the end, although I am not sure what I said yes to. I started taking Sertraline a few days ago (an antidepressant) and tomorrow is when I double the dose. I've heard such negative things about medication for mental health related conditions. I know that for many people, it really helps get lives back on track in the long run. This is amazing. But I have also heard many things about what some call the 'settling in period.' I am lucky to so far not have experienced a...

So, Hi.  I'm Mon and I have mental health issues. I don't like the word 'issues'. I don't like seeing my struggles as a problem. It is something that has a large impact on me every single day, but it is something that can be improved. And it will be. My mental health is a part of me but it doesn't define me. I struggle on a daily basis because all people seem to want to talk about is how I am. "How are you today?" To many people that may come across as a simple "How are you?" But to me, there's a depth behind that question. It makes me uncomfortable when people ask. In my head, what they are really asking is "Have you managed a day without bursting into tears? Have you left the house? Have you showered?" That's what I hear when I'm asked that question. Most of the time at the moment, the answer is no. But I say I'm fine. Youtube helps me. I watch family vlogs of great people having great times. Its very rare th...